Chapter 9: Self-deprecation

The Kindred Count’s office.

In the room where the cold silence was so cold that it felt freezing, I stood still.

‘Do you know what you’ve done now?’

As I listened to the Count’s words, which pierced my heart like an awl.

‘Fath…’
‘Don’t call me Father with that useless mouth, I won’t think of you as my son from today.’

It hurt.
It seems like I’ve heard those words somewhere, and I definitely have a feeling that I’ve heard them somewhere.

Nevertheless, my father’s words, denying that I was his child, hurt so much.

And the point of view changed.

The Countess’s room, surrounded by brightly colored wallpaper that felt warm.

A place that I had always thought was warm, but now, only cold air was flowing.

‘······Have you been to Father?’

Like the atmosphere of the room, with the voice of my mother, which was always warm, but now, it was like frost falling in midwinter.

‘Moth…er.’
‘This mother has nothing to say.
Go out.’

The point of view changed again without even a chance to appeal to my mother, who was turning away from me.

Now, it’s been too long since I entered that room, and I don’t even remember what it looked like, my original room.

I was packing my things according to the Count’s order to move rooms.

‘You look good, you’re going to the place that suits your position now.’

And Rian’s words, digging at me with a sneer.

‘Eina…’
‘Don’t call me that name!
You’re not my brother, you’re disgusting.’

My younger sister, but now my sister, whom I considered my sister, had become a sin.

The repeated condemnation, and the turning away of those I believed in, drove me to the point just before my mind collapsed, and I didn’t even notice that the point of view changed again.

The place that had changed was a room located in the most remote part of the Kindred mansion, which I was so familiar with.

In the lonely room, where there was no one but me, I felt the approaching death.

And I died like that.
Alone, sadly.
Waiting for the answer to the letter that never came back.

The unimportant death of unimportant extra 1.

“······Ugh, huh.”

Drip-

Cold sweat flowed from all over my body.

“······A dream.”

It was a dream, but it was so vivid.

Perhaps because I had already experienced dying once.
The feeling of dying at that time, although it was a dream, came to me so vividly.

Fortunately, this time, it wasn’t reality, but just a nightmare… right?

Should I consider it a nightmare?

It was something I had actually experienced.
I just experienced those things again in a dream.

It’s not like the fact that I experienced all those things is erased just because it’s something that has already passed.

The icy coldness of my father, the mother’s neglect where I didn’t even have time to appeal, my sister and the servants’ gaze, who saw me as less than a human.

The letter whose answer would never come back, the fear of death that was slowly strangling my neck.

These things, like what I had experienced just now, are so vivid.

The only difference from what I had experienced was that Stella was by my side at the end.

If even Stella hadn’t believed in me, I would have died alone, waiting for the answer to the letter that wouldn’t return, and Adel, who would never come to find me with the letter, like a fool, in a dream.

Just once, only once, I would have shouted that I wanted to see her.

I did something wrong, it was my fault.
Just once, I want to see her.

Wishing for an impossible wish, I would have died.

I like that.
I’ve been through this.
It was so hard.

Is it really just a ‘dream’?

‘······Let’s stop thinking about it.’

I still struggled to shake off the words, like a dagger, that I had heard in my dream, although they kept lingering in my head.

I thought it was natural that I was treated like that.

I thought I had been treated like that because I had done things that deserved to be treated like that.

Thinking that if those people could be happy because of me, this much was nothing.

I endured it by degrading myself, lowering myself, and cutting down my self-esteem.

Because otherwise, it felt like I would be devoured by the past.

Because I was afraid of being consumed by that past that I didn’t want to remember again.

I had to overcome it, even for the sake of achieving my dream of living an ordinary life once, and for the sake of the other people who would be happy.

I couldn’t be consumed by the past and stay there.

“This is…”

A strange landscape… but it’s the infirmary of the academy for anyone to see.

When I realized that the place I had been lying in until just now was the infirmary, I could also realize why I was lying here.

“That’s right, I fainted.”

And that was after spitting out a mouthful of blood.

It was natural that the place I woke up in was the infirmary.

“Before I fainted… I think I used a 4th circle magic.”

As soon as I absorbed Magnus’s mana, I couldn’t withstand the hot mana energy overflowing from my body and released it.

And that release was a magic of a much higher level than the magic I had used until now.

The Inferno I had used was a 4th circle magic.

For me, who had lived as a 2nd circle mage all my life, including my previous life, a 4th circle magic was quite a distant level.

But I used it.
The 4th circle Inferno.

‘How?’

The problem was thrown, but the explanation didn’t exist.

There was no one to help me with this problem.

It was a problem that only I had to think about, and only I had to solve.

There was no one by my side, and there were no friends to solve the problem with.

No matter what happened to me, there was no one to worry with me.

I could solve the problem alone, and I could grade the problem myself, but I couldn’t confirm whether the result of the grading was correct.

Still, I couldn’t just lie still, so I tried hard to worry, and after much thought, the first thing that came to mind was this.

“Does ‘Absorption’ also raise the circle level and allow me to use mana?”

That my unique magic helps me to use magic that’s higher than my circle level.

I brought Magnus’s mana, and my unique magic might have created synergy with Magnus’s mana, making my magic stronger.

“But still… it doesn’t make sense.”

However, there were also parts that were concerning.

Even if it’s a unique magic, how could it allow me to use magic higher than my own circle, does that make sense?

Unique magic certainly allows me to use unique and distinctive magic more than other magic, but it’s not necessarily stronger or better than general magic.

Therefore, I would believe that my circle had grown rather than believing that my magic had become stronger with unique magic.

Of course, it couldn’t be completely ruled out.
I might have used 4th circle magic because my circle had been strengthened.

‘Although it’s a very small possibility.’

Still, I didn’t really think I had grown.

That’s because I was an extra who was not talented at all, but not a genius.

That was me, who was an extra who thought he was a genius and, after meeting a huge wall that he couldn’t overcome, went astray and interfered with the protagonist.

Would I, an extra, reach a level that Adel, the protagonist, couldn’t reach at this age?

“Then, did I just happen to use it because of my unique magic?”

The conclusion seemed to narrow down to this.
To be honest, it was impossible to draw a perfect conclusion because I couldn’t properly remember how I used the magic, as my head was spinning due to the mana flowing through my body even when I used 4th circle magic.

How can I delve into these details when I don’t even remember when I used the magic?

-Knock knock

While I was deep in thought, a knock was heard from outside.

“······Is it the infirmary teacher?”

Come to think of it, what would the infirmary teacher think?
A freshman who was taken to the infirmary on the first day of the entrance ceremony.

If I were the infirmary teacher, I would be sighing that this year wouldn’t be easy either.

“Come in.”

I thought the academy’s infirmary teacher would come in, but the person who came into the hospital room was a really unexpected person, and someone I knew well.

“······Stella?”
“Hello, young master.”
“How… did you get here…”

I tried to ask Stella, not knowing what had happened, but as I looked at Stella’s deep purple eyes, I suddenly felt sleepy.

“You…you…here.”

Plop-

And I collapsed on the bed, and I fell asleep.

“Rest well, young master.”

Was Stella’s voice, which seemed to be heard before I fell asleep, a delusion?

“You…you…here.”

Plop-

The young master, who was about to ask me something, couldn’t overcome the sleepiness that was pouring over him and fell asleep.

“You have many questions, but for now, it’s time for you to rest.”

Seeing the young master soundly asleep, I smiled a little, but my expression hardened again as I thought about why the young master had fallen.

“Adel Listonia…”

The reason why the young master fell, and the woman who could also be said to be the cause of all these events.

Stella didn’t like Adel.

Even though she kept assuming that she wouldn’t succeed, and couldn’t hate Adel, she didn’t like the young master either, but she didn’t like Adel, the fundamental cause, even more.

She hated her attitude of not trying to know the young master’s true feelings, and she also hated that she would regret it later, realizing the young master’s true feelings.

I really didn’t like it, but it was inevitable that I sent her back to the past.

“Although I don’t like it… there’s no one but you who can fix the somewhat broken young master… it can’t be helped.”

So, you have to do well this time.
If you mess it up again, I won’t let you go.

Did I mumble too loud?
A sharp voice was heard from outside.

“Who’s there?”
“Oh, did I speak too loudly?
See you later, young master.”

The infirmary teacher opened the door of the hospital room after hearing someone’s murmur, but in the hospital room, only Rian, whose hair was slightly disheveled, as if someone had touched it, was soundly sleeping.