Chapter 5: Shadows of Scorn and Kitchen Chaos

After an awkward lunch with Jaehyuk, he left to answer Lady Han’s call.
I immediately dug into the old files on my laptop and hit the jackpot.
‘How many are there?’
The top folder was a notepad file.
I clicked it open, and the first line read:
[Hater List – Gotta crush them someday.]
“…”
Guess I really hated those comments.
The notepad listed over a thousand haters.
What kind of mindset was I in to collect these one by one?
There were several files, including one full of photos.
Screenshots of hate comments aimed at me.
I hesitated before opening them.
‘Isn’t this bad for prenatal education?’
If I’m raising kids, I want them healthy and pure.
After a moment’s thought, I double-clicked the photos.
‘Be strong and tough.’
My kids need to grow up resilient against any storm.
Looking through the thousand-plus photos, two thoughts hit me.
One: ‘Wow, they’re crossing some serious lines.’
These people never even met me—how’s it okay to say this stuff?
Sexual harassment, family insults, dragging everyone around me.
No wonder I smashed a guitar over someone’s head!
The other: ‘Am I a masochist…?’
Why’d I keep all this hate?
It’s probably not great for the kids, so I quickly closed the photos.
What remained were writings from the other year.
About a hundred HWP files.
I opened the first one.
[March 2, 2019
I’m so pissed, nowhere to vent, so I’m writing here.
My personal info got doxxed, and I’m eating sh*t for it—damn government, use my taxes to cover this!
What the hell is this? I’m keeping track of every hater to crush them someday.]
So that’s the photos and notepad I just saw…
[Hanho and Yoonchan suggested making another band song, but ugh, I can already see it.
They’ll rip it apart just because it’s mine.
I wanna tell them to fight me IRL, but with this body, how?
Anyway, I’m releasing the album. I’ll log every hater, make bank off fines, buy a house, and become a landlord.]
“…”
Just reading the top entry, I could feel how rough those two years were.
Eating every kind of hate, with a “you die, I live” mindset?
Jaehyuk said I was a shut-in for a year, but there’s evidence I was pretty damn active.
By May, the album dropped.
Unlike earlier entries without photos, this one had several.
A short note about the album release.
In the photos… there I was.
Ash-gray hair neatly tied, wearing an oversized black hoodie that caught the eye.
Behind me were my band friends.
‘Those guys were still making music with me back then.’
We stayed in touch until right before the accident, so we must’ve been tight.
[May 3, 2019
Album’s out.
As expected, the internet’s more focused on “TS patient’s album” than “singer Kim Yeju’s album.”
Honestly, I saw it coming.
Jaehyuk asked if I was okay with the hate, but am I?
Thanks for worrying, though. I’ll never forget that.]
Sorry, I forgot.
[We planned a show for 100 handpicked fans who loved our band from way back, but reporters and my anti-fan club filled the outside.
Ugh, I didn’t know I’d be throwing eggs too. You’d think I committed a mortal sin.]
The photo below showed eggs flying.
But they were too far to hit me.
[Good thing the eggs came at the end.
The people who loved me from the start, and even now after I changed, stayed the same.
That was enough for me.]
“…”
The studio I visited was packed with more than just this album.
Got it, that’s how it was.
My memories aren’t fully back, but these texts alone let me feel what I felt then.
“Miserable…”
But, weirdly, happy too.
[Jaehyuk, my friends, his parents, my sister, my parents—all told me to stop.
Why do it when you get so much hate?
But music’s the only place I get praised.
I can’t give it up.]
“Yeah.”
This was enough.
Even with all that hate, even smashing a guitar on someone’s head, I kept performing and making music for a reason.
I didn’t quit the internet despite the hate comments either.
A pearl doesn’t lose its shine in the mud—it searches for that light.
“Ugh…”
The hate’s one thing, but the real turning point is here.
My notebook entries were mostly dripping with affection for Jaehyuk.
Or they were survival novel-style rants after I ran away.
So the moment I fell for Jaehyuk must be here.
As I scrolled down.
Ding—
Thud—
Jaehyuk was back.
Time flew by that fast.
I got up and headed to the door.
Jaehyuk, shaking off wind-tossed hair, saw me and approached hesitantly.
Probably because of our fight.
I was the one who got mad one-sidedly, though…
“Sorry.”
I couldn’t meet his eyes and mumbled.
“I can’t control my emotions. No clue why…”
I hung my head, staring at my toes.
Soon, a pair of big feet appeared next to mine.
“Sorry.”
I had to crane my neck to see Jaehyuk’s face.
He bent down and grabbed my phone.
“I’ll fix it by tomorrow…”
“Ugh…”
Seeing him act like a kicked puppy made me uneasy.
I tried messing with my phone, but he’d installed some program I couldn’t crack.
I said.
“It’s fine to leave it.”
“?”
I can handle the hate, but seeing me get hate can’t be easy for you.
I wanted to say that, but my throat locked up.
“Too much hassle…”
“Not at all.”
“Ugh, I said it’s fine! It’s late—let’s go eat.”
Back when we fought, I’d swing fists, but seeing him like this is hard.
Jaehyuk stopped me as I went to change.
“Too much delivery’s bad for your health.”
“…Huh.”
Come to think of it, who cooks around here?
I thought I’d be begging for japchae, but am I the one making it now?
“I bought ingredients, so let’s eat at home.”
Only then did I notice the white bag in his hand.
Jaehyuk naturally headed to the kitchen, sorting the ingredients.
‘What’s with him? Why’s he so good at this?’
I racked my brain for lost memories.
Did I do housework…?
[Yeju, what do you want for dinner?]
[Yeju, got any laundry?]
[Yeju, I’m cleaning the room—hang in the living room for a bit.]
[Yeju, take it easy. You’re not feeling great.]
[Yeju…]
[Yeju…]
…I’m probably a useless human who did nothing.
Not memories, but Jaehyuk’s voice echoing in my head proves I was a turret.
‘Gotta help with something.’
I thought about folding his puffer jacket on the sofa, but it was already neatly folded.
Then I remembered something I’d forgotten for ages.
‘He’s a neat freak.’
Jaehyuk was even wearing a black apron.
I slowly walked into the kitchen, and he froze at my footsteps.
“Need help?”
“…I’m good.”
Jaehyuk pushed the knife far away from me.
Then turned off the stove, keeping a calm face as he came over.
‘Oh… two-years-ago Yeju, what did you do in the kitchen?’
I brushed my hair off my forehead and said.
“What happened here?”
“Nothing much. Just… got distracted cooking and started a fire. Cut myself and bled like a waterfall. Broke all the plates upstairs. And then laughed and clung to me—that’s it.”
So much happened?
Did every possible thing wrong and then acted cute to get away with it.
‘Lived quite a life.’
Guess you gotta live like that sometimes.
But I’m confident the me from two years ago and now are different.
If that was Yeju 1.0, I’m Yeju 2.0.
A whole new person.
“Give it here. Let me show you.”
“…”
Jaehyuk sighed and approached.
He held a black apron.
He put it on me and tied it behind my back.
‘Something’s off.’
He was tying it from the front, so I saw his side profile.
A thin black hair was stuck to his ear—why’s it there?
His arm… if I move, it’ll just bump awkwardly.
Phew.
I blew air at his ear.
The hair floated up and fell to the floor.
Jaehyuk jumped back, his face bright red.
Oh. I think I touched something I shouldn’t have.
My eyes went from his face down slowly.
“Be honest. You’re holding back a lot, aren’t you?”
“…”
Jaehyuk swallowed hard and looked away.
His body followed.
Guess we really need to keep that distance.