Chapter 4: Flashback(2)

Only one person in an era can reach the Goddess.

A saint, if a man, and a saintess, if a woman.

It is my mission to listen to her voice and convey it.

The benevolent Goddess, she loved everyone and showed her mercy to this world.

But the love given isn’t always returned.

There’s no guarantee that what you give will come back.

I, Circe Aidella, the saintess of this era, who can see and hear Her love, know this well.

Love is giving, not doing it with the expectation of something in return.

Led by the church at the age of 10,

In the fifth year since I took on the role of saintess,

I heard the news that someone called the Demon King appeared in the far north.

Since the Demon King appeared, for five years, I’ve had to see people suffering

And I even had to witness blasphemy, where God was denied.

I had to find a way.

The love of the Goddess should spread to this world,

Once again, I will see people smiling.

A hero was chosen and descended into this world.

She was the one chosen by the Goddess. She was surely a wonderful person who could once again make the Goddess’s name known to the world.

With unusual black, short hair.

Those brown eyes filled with determination.

That beautiful mouth, smiling, was truly lovely.

And her body looked strong somewhere.

Her body, clad in armor, seemed like an iron wall.

The one who will protect everyone, she looked like that.

‘The beloved ones,’ the best archer among the elves, also joined the adventure.

Even though we are the same people who follow the will of the Goddess, I haven’t seen many people from the Armillai Elven Territory.

Did I only meet them in passing at the appointment ceremony?

That’s why she was very curious to me.

Her characteristic long ears, pure white skin, and her eyes shining with green light.

Her rose-red lips, full of luster.

A high nose.

Her beautiful hair, which could be mistaken for white.

Oh, she turned her face away shyly when I stared at her.

I wanted to see a little more.

Still, the small muscles in her arms clearly showed that she was an archer.

But, who is this man called Woojin?

No matter how I look at him, I don’t feel the power of a blessing at all.

To put it bluntly, he was a very ordinary person.

The only unusual thing was… the mismatched armor, the loosely worn sword.

And that huge bag.

I wonder if the power is his blessing…?

The hero said that he didn’t have a blessing, and she was desperately trying to stop him from joining the adventure.

But I wanted him to join the adventure.

His strong gaze, and his declaration that he would do his best to help the difficult journey.

Such courage and sincerity!

He will surely become a necessary person for the adventure.

He will be essential to this noble crusade to spread the will of the Goddess.

The adventure was not as noble as I thought.

I once heard it from the paladins.

Battle is glorious and noble.

Cutting down those who dare to deny the love of the Goddess with the bestowed sword, that is their duty.

They looked so shiny, jumping into the front lines in pure white armor.

The things I had to see were not good at all.

Blood, severed limbs, spilled organs.

Things I had never heard of or seen before.

Perhaps, the sisters who went to the front lines lived seeing these things?

Am I, really a saintess?

Whenever I heard the oracle from the Goddess, she told me that I was doing a great job.

It doesn’t seem like it at all.

Did the people on the front lines see this terrible sight?

Even that strong-looking hero is retching and struggling like that.

What about me?

On the day when everyone was having a hard time, the man called Woojin was firmly holding his ground.

I was surprised to find that he was on watch after I fell asleep from crying.

He doesn’t have a blessing. In other words, it’s natural that he would have a harder time than us, who are blessed.

In that difficult battle, wasn’t he having a hard time?

“Um…”

“Ah, Saintess.”

With a smile, he put in some more firewood.

“How, was your sleep uncomfortable?”

“No, thanks to you, I slept soundly…”

Indeed, I didn’t even notice that I had fallen asleep.

The other companions were still sleeping in the tent.

“Are you okay? There might be a battle tomorrow.”

“I didn’t do much. It’s my job to make your journey a little more comfortable.”

Woojin, smiling, had dark circles under his eyes.

Not good.

People always care about my position.

Because I am a saintess, because I meet the Goddess alone and carry out Her will.

They try to hide their true feelings, saying, “It must be harder for you!”

So, I secretly used a little power.

“Woojin, are you really okay?”

Please be honest and tell me what’s on your mind. I’ll help you.

“It’s hard. Really.

I’ve never heard of, or seen with my own eyes, such a bloody battlefield.

How much more of this terrible thing will we have to face?”

“Well. Until this journey is over. It’s probably an ordeal we have to go through.”

“I… thought I had made up my mind.”

“So did I.”

“…But we shouldn’t collapse, right?”

Huh?

“The Saintess, the hero, and the archer are all having a hard time, so I can’t collapse here.

There must be a reason why I’m here, Saintess.

So it’s okay. I’m fine.”

Clearly the power of a blessing… is surrounding him.

“Confession,” where one confesses one’s true feelings and feels relieved about it.

Usually, it’s normal to express resentment or pain.

As expected, he’s a great person.

“Yes, but… but I’m still lacking.

In terms of strength and stamina.

So I have to keep going.

We still have a long way to go, Saintess.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to do it. Woojin. Don’t give up and look ahead.

Someday, you too will become stronger.”

Of course, you already seem to be as strong as steel, more than any of us.

Did I say that when you give love, you don’t expect to receive it?

Even though I helped a lot, most people took it for granted.

They just praised me, saying, “As expected of the Saintess,” but nothing changed.

It was the same when I used my blessings.

Among those who confessed and said they were having a hard time, no one tried to change the very reason why they were having a hard time.

If they just came to me, those difficult feelings would disappear.

But Woojin, this person responds wonderfully to my ‘love’.

Whenever I faced a wall and was about to collapse,

Like the first night of the adventure,

When I honestly confessed everything and asked for help,

When I gave him my advice and cheered him on,

He got up again and overcame the wall wonderfully.

I started to like him, who never forgot to express his gratitude.

I was attracted to him, who responded as much as I gave him love.

Will the day come when I confess my feelings to him?

After this adventure is over, will I have the courage?

Oh Goddess, please give me that strength.

… Oh, right, my prayer reaches Her…

“Oh my, the saintess has someone she likes?”

“….!!!!! Goddess!”

“Huh? Saintess, did you receive an oracle?”

“Ah, no, it’s…”

I can’t be found out, I can’t be found ouuuut…!

“Did you say something, you can’t say – ”

“Woojin, out for a moment?”

“No, why…”

“Oh my, the Goddess is a woman, and the saintess is a woman. Don’t you feel anything?”

“…I’m sor – cough!”

“Come out quickly! Don’t do anything stupid!”

…Thanks to the archer, I feel relieved.

But I’m not sure.

Is she uncomfortable that it’s not her who’s next to him?

We’re comrades. I shouldn’t feel this way.

…Bu, but still. This feeling, as if my heart is being squeezed tight.

I might not hate it.

Maybe. Maybe –

If I talk to him a little more, I might feel better.

Soon, the front line. There will be no time to talk there.

So, if I’m a little greedy now,

If I share a little more memories with him,

There’s nothing wrong with that… right?

“…Hmm?”

“You seem to have had a good dream, Saintess.”

“…Yes.”

Warm sunlight was pouring in through the open ceiling.

I met those happy days in my dream, like that warmth I like.

If it were me in the past, I would have given thanks to the Goddess for letting me have such a happy dream.

It’s not my fault that I don’t feel like doing that at all, right?

No, is it my fault?

“Again, again, such impious thoughts…!”

“…Um, I don’t want to say this, but you know that time is of the essence, right?”

“…It’s my fault. I don’t even have time to think about this.”

I quickly got up and stretched.

“Is the Saintess still asleep?”

“I’m up. We can leave soon.”

“Yes, yes! I’ll pack up and go!”

“…I’ll prepare the horses.”

I quickly rolled up my sleeping bag and tied it tightly, as he had done.

I pulled out the pegs, took down the tent,

I poked the burnt firewood with a poker and looked around to see if there were any remaining embers.

The ashes fluttered slightly –

“Ah, achoo!”

Sniff.

It’s time to leave.

After placing the well-packed backpack in the back of the carriage and tying the knot,

I put my heavy body back in.

The hero looked around once more, and then climbed into the driver’s seat.

…Tonight, and tomorrow morning, I’m going to switch roles with her, even by force.

I know her heart is heavy…

But it won’t be as terrible as mine.

Really.

I’m serious.

Because the devil’s voice, in my voice, is still vivid in my ears.

…Even if I know it’s a hallucination, I sometimes can’t stand my actions.

If it weren’t for the archer, I might have already cut off one of my ears.

…It will be a long way to go today.

But I don’t see the end of the road to him.

I feel more suffocated now than when I faced the Demon King.

Every time I get closer to the forest,

Every time I know that the cursed front-line village is not far away…

Even I can feel the dark heart leaking out.

It’s so terrible.

That the saintess is actually this kind of person.

I can’t believe I’ll ever be forgiven.

…And Goddess, my faith in you, who should be praised, is also shaken.

He should have been loved.

He should have been protected.

Him,

Me, who should have helped him,

Me, who should have embraced him more than anyone else,

Uttering the worst words to him

Even if it wasn’t my intention,

Me, who denied his sincerity,

And you, the almighty, who couldn’t stop it…

How, how could you do that to him?

Thud.

“Ouch.”

I feel nauseous.

I’ll endure it.

He was a more gentle driver.

And yet, he was able to reach the destination quickly.

Him,

Who always worried about my motion sickness when I got off.

How could I.

I.

I.

I…

“…Hu-uup!”

I can’t cry.

I’m not qualified.

Just, I have to endure it.

For now, I will think about meeting him first.

For now, if I don’t hold onto that…

The dagger I’m holding dearly in my arms,

Might be pointed at me.

At least, if I can hear a word of forgiveness,

Only then, can I kill myself with a smile?

Before that, even this body, this soul.

There is no value in being saved.

Dying while cursing the beloved soul

Taking one’s own life

The worst punishment described in the doctrine, a chance to receive it.

…I’m waiting for that day.

I am.

…Again, time has passed.

I shouldn’t be so defenseless.

It was morning, and my whole body ached.

…Just like usual.

When camping, I always volunteered to be on watch.

…It’s hard to deny the thoughts of my old self that naturally come to mind.

I just want to accept it.

But when I think about the past, my heart aches so much.

“Sob, ugh,”

I was groaning and hitting my chest.

If someone saw me, would they point their fingers and call me crazy?

No, was I already crazy?

Without a blessing, to even think of daring to embark on an adventure.

Ah, who said that?

Ah, please.

Please.

‘You’re pathetic. Really, arrogant and – haughty.’

Stop.

‘Without a blessing, who protects whom?’

Stop it.

‘It’s not worth talking to you anymore. Please leave.’

Please, don’t make me hate her anymore.

‘…In the first place, you’re not even worth the time I gave you.’

“Stop, stop it, aaagh! , cough, sob, sob, aaaah…”

My voice, which had already rested,

Did not come out.

Only strange cries escaped my broken throat.

The cool breeze,

The bright weather,

The warm sunlight that I praised with her

And those clouds that spread out like a single picture

Gave me nothing but pain.

Please,

I’m saying, just kill me.

It’s too disgusting, for me to turn my arrows at the people I once loved.

Shelter, I had to find a place to stay.

The muscles in my whole body were screaming.

That’s only natural, because I cried, cried, cried, rolled on the ground like a madman, beat myself…

…Damn it. Now I think I’m losing my mind.

I need to get as much rest as possible.

My head is ringing with all sorts of hallucinations, and I can’t even say anything anymore.

Who would accept a lunatic like me?

“…Found it.”

A cave.

Surely, there will be no more dungeons.

No more monsters.

The cave will be a good shelter.

But…

“Hi… hiiik…”

I collapsed.

A single scream escaped my lips.

Th, that’s right. Why didn’t I notice?

This cave, definitely.

Th, the cave that I couldn’t see because it was covered by those bushes,

Th, the cave where the hellhounds came out…

“Huh, huuaa…”

I frantically swung my feet and barely managed to hold myself up and run away from there.

I have to run away.

I have to run faster.

“Pant, haa, pant, haa…”

If I get caught by them, I’ll die.

Awoooo –

The companions gather.

I have no companions.

I’m bitten. I’ll be bitten.

At that time, I had a sword,

Now I don’t.

I attack barehanded

This time, I won’t be able to cut down a single one,

My limbs will be blown away, and my stomach will be eaten.

I die.

I’ll die.

I don’t want to die.

I don’t want to have that scary experience again.

“Get away, get awayyy!”

…Crazy. I’m crazy.

Only after falling into the water, could I admit that I was a madman who had lost his mind.

I wasn’t being chased by anything.

That cave would be a normal cave.

Probably.

No, it’ll be safe.

No, should I doubt it?

I haven’t seen any monsters other than the occasional animal.

“I have to doubt it, I have to doubt it to survive.”

But then, I would have already died if I was going to die.

That cave, it’ll be safe. If I light a fire there, it will surely be warm at night.

But I can’t bring myself to go.

I can’t turn my steps towards it.

The sun is already on the right.

I’ll light a fire again, and go to sleep.

But will I be able to sleep?

…I have to close my eyes, even if I have to force it.